Introduction
Throughout my life, I have become all too familiar with the effects of white supremacy. As a woman of color recovering from racial battle fatigue, I still have the scars from countless lashes that told me I was dirty, ugly, stupid, and untrustworthy [1]. When people of color denounce the systems that kill us, white supremacy tells us, Be patient. These things take time, and when we don’t speak up, it asks, Why didn’t you tell us sooner? It chastises people of color for making changes that address systemic inequities and then comes asking for our help when it is finally ready to listen. I’ve also seen white supremacy (and the way it’s intertwined with heteropatriarchy) entice people of color who, in an attempt to gain greater visibility, often trample on their own, reinscribing systems of oppression they claim to dismantle.
It wears you out and wears you down. It is a slow erosion of the soul that you don’t see right away. You only notice when you look back and count how often you get sick or count the hours spent shedding tears over the same thing over and over again. Sometimes, it comes with self-blame for delays that are not your own—you think it’s your fault for not having the same enthusiasm and momentum you started with after frequent blows to your spirit. You find yourself being afraid of making any mistakes because too many lives are at stake. And then good ol’ reliable imposter syndrome flares up when you thought you handled that shit already. Smiles and other unnatural things mask the pain.
When the pandemic hit, sheltering-in-place became an incubation period for me. I could slow down. Wander. Experiment. Be a beginner. Turn inward. Take care of my body. Do what I enjoy. Release habits I didn’t need. Though I wish the circumstances were different, I welcomed the chance to rest from who I normally am on a typical work day—a woman living a life wrought with work, exhaustion and stress.
My healing process began a few years ago and became even more refined in the past year. However, I never realized that it would require the entire world to stop in order for my personal healing process to speed up; in retrospect, it made sense. At the same time, it was comforting to see a global reevaluation of what people value most in life and how perhaps our expectations of ourselves and each other are grossly unrealistic.
I sought out ways to regain my strength and reclaim my joy because my survival and sanity depended on it. It’s crucial that my spiritual, emotional, and physical well-being are a priority because noone else knows what I need and want better than me. Today, I find myself reaching for a goal far beyond healing brokenness and on to a desire to live an exalted life—a daily life connected to and guided by the Creator and all the ancestors; a life dictated by joy, good feeling, creativity, relaxation, exploration, and self-discovery, in effect, rejuvenating the soul. When an affordable vaccine for COVID-19 is available to the masses and the virus stops killing people and life speeds up again, I want to maintain a slow pace unencumbered by endless to-do-lists and racial microaggressions. My daily life won’t be about carving out moments for self-discovery. Instead, moments of exploration and self-discovery will be central to my daily life.
In 2012, I began exploring this idea of creating a perfect ordinary day—a self-care day filled with all the daily activities that would prevent stagnancy and feed me emotionally, physically and spiritually. In 2019, I tailored it to Black parents. In 2020, I am considering the confines of the pandemic, shifting from creating a self-care day to a daylong soul-care regimen that moves me beyond healing from brokenness and moves me toward an exalted life centered around that which speaks to my soul and brings me joy.
My soul-care regimen below includes opportunities to wander, experiment, and turn inward. A large part of it consists of physical activity: some of which I’ve practiced for years (like Bikram Yoga) and others have entered my life more recently (like Parkour).
It also includes a combination of personal reflections that emerged before, during, and after the shelter-in-place. These reflections, along with affirmations, intention-setting, writing in my gratitude journal, all keep my joy from being hijacked by random worries, fears, flaws, and shortcomings—something the negativity bias of the brain is notorious for. Writing personal reflections becomes my way of slowing time down and allowing the beauty and goodness of a moment to sink in; it helps me to see the profundity of the mundane (and not so mundane) and remain open to the ever-present abundance that is available to me.
6:00 - 7:30 a.m.
Bikram Yoga (Online)
• Prayer: I hold myself in my arms right now. I am clear. The well-being of my soul, spirit, and body are of the utmost importance today. I am centering what is important to me, what I enjoy, what I am curious about. I work toward self-integrity and the ability to express a full range of emotions from rage and sadness to unfettered joy. When my well-being is a priority, I can be fully present to those I love. I ask the Creator and all my ancestors to guide me and allow my behavior to be a reflection of what I value and love. Ashe.
• Optional: Surround the mat with candles, aromatherapy diffuser, affirmation cards
7:30 - 7:50 a.m.
Balance Board
8:00 - 8:30 a.m.
Push-ups, squats, holding plank, kettle bell exercises
8:30 a.m.
Shower
9:00 a.m.
Breakfast
• Smoothie: mangos, spinach, coconut milk, distilled water, celery, dates, mango juice
• Greek yogurt, grapes (or strawberries, peaches, nectarines), roasted pumpkin seeds, Guittard dark chocolate chips, local honey
• Collagen powder (with juice)
• Take vitamins: Vitamin B complex & Omega-3 supplement
• Water
9:30 a.m.
Gratitude Journal
• Write 10 things you are grateful for; this can include good things that happened today (or the previous day) and things you are looking forward to
9:45 a.m.
Take a Walk
• Listen to affirmations and empowering questions in Voice Memo app
• Set intention for the day
• Listen to favorite music
10:30 a.m. - 12:30 p.m.
Paint Miniatures
12:30 - 1:30 p.m.
Lunch:
• Chicken soup: boiled chicken, 2 chicken bouillon cubes, 5 cloves garlic, alphabet pasta or short noodles, chopped parsley & cilantro
1:30 - 3:30 p.m.
Read and Write
3:30 p.m.
Warm-up; Stretch
4:00 - 4:35 p.m.
Parkour (Online)
4:45 - 5:15 p.m.
Epsom salt bath
• Candle
• Meditative music
• Aromatherapy diffuser
5:15 - 7:00 p.m.
Dinner
• One of my favorite meals is something my husband made a few weeks ago:
o Duck sausage
o Lettuce wrap with blue cheese and balsamic vinegar
o Sweet & spicy brussels sprouts
o Baguette from Bouchon Bakery w/ Beurre de Baratte
7:00 p.m.
Make Doughnuts
• Based on online Bread Ahead Doughnut workshop
• Prove dough
• Complete process following day
8:00 - 9:00 p.m.
Television Time with Family
• Lately, T.I. & Tiny: Friends & Family Hustle and Queer Eye
9:00 p.m.
Meditation
• Time range: 3 min to 7 min (or longer)
• Years ago, I used to find meditating for 10-15 minutes daily to be helpful. Though I enjoy 20-30 minute guided meditations in the company of others, I notice an internal resistance to meditating longer than 7 minutes when I’m alone; feels more like a chore. For now, I acknowledge the resistance and decided to be more flexible (with the time and outcome). Perhaps I’ll return to longer meditations in the future. For now, I welcome the flexibility.
9:30 p.m.
Write in journal
• Listen to empowering questions in Voice Memo app
10:00 p.m.
Sleep
As I construct my daylong soul-care regimen, I keep thinking of other activities I love that didn’t fit into the schedule above…things like FaceTime/Zoom conversation with friends and family, going to the beach, and making chocolate cake. I suppose this is the point. My mind and heart are prompted to come up with additional activities I love. Since I’ve identified them, I’ll be more likely to make time to integrate these into my life.
Feel free to use what you see here as a spring board to create your own daylong soul-care regimen.
Begin first by meditating on the following questions:
• What do I value most?
• What brings me joy? peace?
• What am I curious about?
Write down what emerges for you and create a schedule for a single day (or two) that includes everything on your list. Envisioning this day can be a way of imagining what you’d love to do every single day. If this feels too restrictive, think of the process as a way to establish new norms and see how they feel. Once you imagine it, you are one step closer to making it happen. And once you make it happen, you just might want to stay. When life speeds up, you’ll have a repertoire of soul care tools to draw from. It will like opening a treasure chest made up of all things that sparks your curiosity, bring you joy, and fill your heart. May you enjoy an exalted life and the joy of self-discovery. Remember that you deserve every moment of your special day. May your heart always be full. Ashe.
Reflection 1: Bikram Yoga
I’ve been practicing Bikram Yoga for almost seven years. Around 2018, I started going to the studio less often and occasionally practice certain poses at home or while swimming. During the shelter-in-place, a friend connected me to online Bikram Yoga classes. Sometimes, I would login in real-time. Otherwise, I would catch the recording. I started to practice 5-6 times a week and had many realizations.
If I didn’t have a solid 90 min. to practice due to work or homeschooling, I broke up the session into parts, without judgment. I accepted that sometimes this may need to happen, and reminded myself that I would still experience the benefits. I accepted that I may not be able to every position every time due to pain or lack of concentration…and that was okay.
Because I was in the hands of a great teacher, I was able to refine certain movements in ways that I had not experienced in the years prior; approaching Bikram Yoga as a beginner opened me up to fine-tuning poses in a way that was safe and more beneficial for my body. I was more flexible. I had greater strength in my quads and less pain in my joints. After years of convincing myself that there was no benefit from the practice without heat, I was happy to find that I was wrong. Aside from building strength and flexibility, I could develop muscle memory. I could practice outdoors and indoors. Outdoors, I could smell the morning air, feel the wind on my face, hear the rustling of the trees. Indoors, I could surround myself with Oshun and Oya candles, affirmation cards, and breathe in the scent of oranges and lavender from the aromatherapy diffuser nearby. The practice became how I prayed with my body.
Reflection 2: Parkour (before the pandemic)
I was real excited until about the third class when I remembered my body was in its 40s. I had aches and pains in muscles I didn’t know I had. We were doing plyos, and I swear my uterus hit the floor.
But I kept going. Finished all six classes. I learned a lot and was happy to make it to the end, but I wouldn’t exactly say I was proud of myself. I was frustrated. Embarrassed too. I was pissed that I wasn’t the athlete I once was. I wanted to push harder, but everything hurt too much. I knew I could do better.
Shortly after the last class, I returned to work and caught a string of flus and colds and didn’t return to Parkour for a year. Work was taking over, making me sick and ruining my sense of wonder.
Summer came back around, and I took another six classes. I definitely improved. Far more coordinated. Once again, I was reminded of the limits of my body. Lots of pain in my knees. Serious cramps in my abs. Arnica, Epsom salt, bananas, and collagen were my friends. With all this pain, I wasn’t entirely sure if practicing would mean I’d get better or end up in the hospital. Maybe I’m just too old for this.
The disappointment from the year before reared its head again. I could feel it my chest and on my face. I think my instructor could tell, but I don’t know for sure; it’s always a little bit embarrassing when others see what you are trying to hide. Why was I so disappointed in myself?
My disappointment seemed awfully heavy for someone who set out to have fun. I have a history of being hard on myself. And this time was no different. I felt like I failed…and this failure was unforgivable.
Where did this come from? How long have I been like this?
When I started Parkour in the summer of 2018, I had no idea it would become such a central part of my physical and emotional growth. My original intent was to get back in touch with that sense of play I enjoyed as a child. However, I didn’t realize it would become the place where I’d learn to take a good honest look at myself and ask how I developed certain habits. Not only were the workouts intense enough to give me an endorphin rush I could ride for a couple days, but it was the place where I could challenge my fears, be confident about what I know, and honest about what I don’t know in a supportive environment with patient instructors.
Body wisdom—a phrase I’ve heard many times before and perhaps experienced here and there—actually made sense to me this time. Let me see if I can put it into words.
The body knows things and when you push it to its limits, an intelligence resting deep within rises to the surface, to the level of consciousness, and you can see it and feel it. It becomes utterly impossible to ignore. You can’t go back. You already feel lighter. There is no choice but to be different…because where you stand is sweet and true. You are led to a clearer picture of who you truly are and you want to be there. It feels new and familiar. And you want to stay.
I’m so glad I returned to Parkour the second year. I was getting enough practice in that allowed me to see myself make progress…and believe that I was making progress. I guess sometimes you need to be a beginner— totally out of your element and pushed to your limits—in order to see the unspoken rules that govern your life. Then, you can see and feel what makes your soul expand and what makes it shrink; and you can decide what to keep and what to release.
Where did this come from? and How long have I been this way? were questions I kept asking myself as each old worn out habit was exposed. This was the first of many. And whatever mental breakthroughs I experienced in the gym spilled over in other areas of my life.
Here I learned:
• To be more forgiving of myself when I make mistakes
• Not to worry about being judged for the questions I ask
• I am stronger than I think I am
• I can release old habits that don’t elevate me
• To maintain relationships with those who have faith in me during times when I don’t have faith in myself
So I continue to practice once a week, because here I can’t lie to myself. I cannot pretend. I get to make mistakes and fall and trip, watch and learn and make progress and be proud of myself. Each time I train, I get just a little bit better. I’m developing muscle memory. My body is strengthening. With continuous repetition, I get to feel the excitement of nailing a move and being surprised that I got there...wondering how it happened and motivated enough to see if I can pull it off again! Something healing is happening here. I can’t wait to see where this leads me.
Reflection 3: Parkour (during the pandemic)
I was in the presence of patient, encouraging instructors. As a woman of color, it was one of the few spaces where I didn’t have to fight to be respected. I was in the presence of other athletes whose agility and energy and determination was contagious. I was in the presence of people who were thriving or at least desired to thrive. And I loved being there. I miss being at the gym. I miss the folks I always saw during open gym sessions. I miss them root each other on. I miss the coaches.
I also miss the before and after. Getting ready to go, putting on my workout clothes, my knee brace and elbow brace. Driving through the country to get there. Working out, feeling the high. Changing my clothes. Filling up my tank at the gas station up the street. Stopping by the mercado on the corner to pick up some bananas so I wouldn’t cramp up. Grabbing a falafel wrap on the way home and driving down the freeway, blasting “Like a Girl” by Lizzo and “Skwod” by Nadia Rose, dancing and singing with my mouth full. I miss coming home, enjoying an Epsom salt bath, listening to the meditative sounds of Ludovico Einaudi and Chris Beaty. That Parkour gym represented how I was taking my power back, peeling back the layers and remembering who I truly am. I could feel myself expand.
I don’t want worry about reverting back to old habits and patterns, but I do.
But here’s what I’ll do. I’ll take virtual Parkour lessons once a week. I’ll buy a gym mat and practice QM drills and plyos on my livingroom floor. This is the next best thing for now.
Reflection 4: Morning Prayer
I hold in my heart this morning all of you around the world who, as a result of social distancing/shelter-in-place/quarantine orders, deeply miss something that brought you great joy. To all of you who after years of searching, finally found practices, activities, spaces, places, and people where you felt like you belonged, where you felt free. To those whose practices involved physical activity AND being in the physical presence of healthy, thriving people. To those who had great plans to do something they were looking forward to. For those of you who understood all these things as symbols of your power to take back your life from forces that caused you to be less than who you truly are.
I pray that the Creator, the Universe, all spiritual manifestations of the Divine, and the ancestors bring peace to any fears of possibly reverting back to old habits or patterns that you were trying so hard to escape from.
But before doing so, I pray that you give yourself and others the permission to freely express what you’ve lost, what you miss, what your disappointments and fears are, not so they can be fixed, but so they may be felt. So they are not suppressed in the name of positivity…but so they may be exposed, brought to the level of consciousness, seen and heard clearly. That this be done in the name of honesty with ourselves, in the presence of those who listen and allow this honesty the space to breathe for a moment… a moment that knows you understand this liminal space has sacred answers.
I pray that in this liminal space, we sit in meditation. Gift yourself with 5, 7, or 10 minutes to sit in silence. Close your eyes. Take a deep breath in… and then exhale. Take another deep breath in… then exhale. Take one last deep breath in… and gently let it go. Take a moment to visualize those life-generating, joyful spaces, places, practices, & activities in your life. Bring gentle attention to how these things make you feel. Sit with that feeling. Pay attention to the sensations in your body and where you feel those sensations. Take your time. Slowly, gently begin to expand your heart and mind to ask, “For now, is there something that comes close to bringing me this feeling? If so, what is it?” Listen for the answers. Sit with what emerges. How does it feel? What do you notice?
Take a deep breath in and then exhale. Take another deep breath in, then exhale. Take one last deep breath in and gently let it go. Gently, slowly open your eyes. Be kind to yourself as you come out of meditation. Stretch. Massage your face. Massage your hands, arms, legs.
As you step into this day, respond to what emerged for you during the meditation. And see what happens. Blessings always!
Reflection 5: Doughnuts
In preparation for our London trip last year, I watched YouTube clips about good spots to eat. I came across the Top Jaw series on Borough Market. They showed the doughnuts at Bread Ahead, and I knew we had to get some. We went. Long line. Worth it. Best doughnut ever! Been thinking about it ever since. Well, Bread Ahead had a doughnut making workshop on Saturday and guess who signed up! 3:30 pm London time, 7:30 am here in the Bay. It was a 2-hour workshop via Zoom where I was connected with 113 strangers from around the world…all of us sharing a common love for Bread Ahead. It involved 16 hours of work that began on Friday night and ended early Sunday afternoon (for the first 2 batches, crème pâtissière, raspberry jam, and honeycomb)…and then 6 more hours from Monday to Tuesday to work on the 3rd batch. (I have cramps in my calves to show for it.) A dear friend of mine, Jennifer Carlin (one of the funniest people I know) joined me, and we texted back and forth throughout the ordeal, laughing so hard and sharing our masterpieces and disasters, trying to figure out if we were doing everything right. While struggling to keep up on Saturday (when I thought I was well-prepared and ahead of the game), I finally decided not to rush. I did what I could in the moment and watched the teacher carefully so at least I’d know what the thing was supposed to look like. Matthew Jones, the founder of Bread Ahead, taught the workshop. He was fast but forgiving. Very passionate. Showed us some tricks one could only learn from your grandma and a few decades of practice. Here are the words of a baker who truly loves what he does and helped me develop a whole new respect for professional bakers: • “Mastering a good doughnut is quite a thing to achieve.” • “This is more than just a doughnut. It’s a gastronomic journey.” • “In this lesson, don’t worry about getting everything right. When you take your first piano lesson, you don’t expect to play Tchaikovsky.” • “Failure is a part of success.” And this next quote might be slightly off but it was basically this: • “You have to eat the doughnut when it’s hot with the crème pâtissière inside. Sometimes we see people take a bite of the doughnut...and it’s like a 3-star Michelin experience...this is what we’re all about...giving you the most amazing experience of your life.” I’m very proud of the doughnuts I made. And really excited when I saw the “band of truth” (what Bread Ahead calls that white line between the fried top and bottom). The crème pâtissière turned out great on the first try, but it took me three tries to get the doughnuts you see here. The raspberry jam was ok, but I decided it more suited for toast than a doughnut. And what was supposed to be honeycomb became a biological weapon so I threw that shit away and laughed at myself. I laughed at myself making mistakes! There was a lightness I felt. Another breakthrough of self-forgiveness, it seemed. Perhaps, I’m putting 50 on a 20, but that’s how it felt. I was taking a small risk doing something I’ve never done before; no lives were at stake. I had a strange experience: I felt like I tapped into a something that was familiar and comfortable, though this was all completely new to me. Is it possible to find pieces of yourself in places where you’ve never been? I wept at the thought. My husband and daughter faithfully tasted a doughnut from every batch, trying their best not to hurt my feelings. After that third try, seeing the look of bliss on my husband’s face after his first bite felt so good. Then my daughter looked at that third batch and said, These look like real doughnuts! She took a bite and looked at me…oh, the way she looked at me. She was so proud of me. Never mind all my other accomplishments in life. None of it mattered. I made her proud by making a doughnut that recaptured our first experience at Bread Ahead last December. That look brought me back to when she stared at me for hours as a baby. That look was all I needed. It didn’t take me long to realize that this workshop was one of the most amazing, most intense experiences of my life.
Reflection 6: Painting Miniatures
I’ve started painting Warhammer miniatures: a Stormcast Eternals Retributor and Liberator. Almost done. The first one (the Retributor) took four hours. The second one (the Liberator) took 8 hours.
These miniatures were assembled back in 2017. Got hooked after going to Games Workshop in Union City and heard Noah Levine (store manager) explain Warhammer to my daughter and her friend. Captivating storyteller! Great teacher who knows how to make learning fun. Bought my first starter kit that day. Three years later, I finally painted two miniatures.
While painting the Retributor, I was figuring out how the paints and brushes work. Getting a feel for undercoating, basecoating, shading, and layering. When painting the Liberator, I was a little more careful. More skilled at shading and layering. I look forward to learning how to do dry brushing in the future. Love the precision this requires. Love getting lost in the process.
Reflection 7: Racial Justice First Responders
As life speeds up abruptly, I find that I may have to draw from my repertoire of soul care tools sooner than I thought. When my emotions are pulled in a variety of directions, I go to the ocean to clear my head. I gather my thoughts. I realize I am amongst a network of folks nationwide that I call racial justice first responders. After visiting the ocean many times, I finish a reflection I began a few weeks prior:
Thank all the racial justice first responders in your life for being ready to share their decades of expertise in the wake of the murders of George Floyd, Ahmaud Arbery, and Breonna Taylor. They/we have dedicated our lives to confronting anti-Blackness, dismantling racism, exposing white supremacy, healing the effects of internalized racism, reconnecting POC with their/our ancestral roots, deepening cross-racial solidarity, and more. Such individuals have volunteered incredible amounts of time and energy delivering emergency education to the public in the form of webinars, workshops, panels, radio/podcast/tv interviews, as well as sharing resources and guidance at meetings with colleagues at their workplace and their children’s schools. Many are also providing resources and guidance to their families, friends, and others in the broader community. Since 5/25/20, the day George Floyd was murdered, we’ve seen the national and global movement to finally reckon with its history and seriously combat anti-Blackness and uproot white supremacy. Since then, racial justice first responders— some formally educated and some self-taught—have been pulled in multiple directions...all at the same time. There is a particular skill, particular finesse that has allowed us to have an impact and transform minds and hearts throughout our careers. This comes with decades of study, experience, and personal healing. Please give special recognition to these individuals. This work is worthy of immense gratitude. This work is worthy of compensation. Please recognize that the Black racial justice first responders you maybe leaning on are also doing our own mourning and healing with each murder of our kin. May all of those who have been impacted by their/our work also show gratitude by making (or continue to make) a lifelong commitment to confronting anti-Blackness wherever it exists and not wait until Black people die before realizing our value.
Janet C. Mendoza Stickmon is a professor of Humanities and the author of Crushing Soft Rubies—A Memoir, Midnight Peaches, Two O’Clock Patience: A Collection of Essays, Poems, and Short Stories on Womanhood and the Spirit, and To Black Parents Visiting Earth: Raising Black Children in the 21st Century.
Footnotes
[1] Racial battle fatigue, coined by William A. Smith in 2003, is defined as “the psychophysiological symptoms resulting from living in mundane extreme racist environments.” It speaks to the stress experienced by people of color when subjected to constant racial battles in “historically white spaces” and how this “...can become mentally, emotionally, and physically draining and/or lethal from the accumulation of physiological symptoms that oftentimes goes untreated, unnoticed, or misdiagnosed.” See William A. Smith, et. al, “Challenging Racial Battle Fatigue on Historically White Campuses: A Critical Examination of Race- related Stress,” accessed July 11, 2018, http://rci.rutgers.edu/~wocfac/WOC/resources/challenging_racial_battle_fatigue .pdf. See also Brooke Adams, “Microaggression and Racial Battle Fatigue,” University of Utah, December 6, 2016, https://attheu.utah.edu/facultystaff/microaggression-and-racial-battle-fatigue/.